Control

Here's the problem with cancer.

We have no control over it.

We can pretend like we do by trusting in chemo, radiation and doctors. We can pretend like we can avoid it by controlling our diet and not putting plastic in the microwave and staying out of the sun.

But we don't have control over cancer.

It has and will take the lives of many and affects the lives of nearly everyone.

We despise cancer. We fight against cancer. We hate cancer.

Why? Because we can't control it.

It represents the very thing that humans struggle with the most.

We want to control our world. We want to control our lives and many people will live a long time believing that they can.

Recently I have felt the sting of not having control over my own life. I hate the fact that my plan for my life has not played out the way I wanted it to. I think often about the fact that if cancer hadn't entered my life, things would be a lot different. I want things my way. I wanted to write my story.

However, even if you don't have cancer, you don't have control of your life. You're kidding yourself if you think you do. After losing Bethany, this reality has become even more clear to me.

As a Christian, this is one of the most frustrating and amazing parts of my life.

God is the one who controls my life. God calls the shots. He is the author and perfector of my faith.

I realized this past week that this is such a huge blessing!

I was reading a page about cancer and a survivor was being applauded for being so strong and for causing his cancer to run in fear because of his strength.

While this was meant to be a compliment, all I could think of was, "what a burden!"

If the only way my cancer will go away is if I'm strong enough, then you can count me out right now! I am NOT strong enough on my own. There is nothing I can do to control this beast except to trust the one who can.

In Joshua it says:

"When we heard of it, our hearts melted in fear and everyone's courage failed because of you, for the Lord your God in heaven above and on earth below." ~Joshua 2:11
 

The hearts of the enemies of the Israelites melted in fear simply because God was with them. People, this cancer will not melt in fear because of me! This cancer will melt in fear because God is with me!
Thank you Lord for taking that burden from me!

With God ALL things are possible. Without Him NOTHING is possible!

I don't have control over my life and let me tell you that is FRUSTRATING! But guess what? I don't have control over my life and that is AMAZING!

If your view of God is that He is mean or vindictive or judgemental than this bit of information doesn't make you feel any better. If you don't trust who God is, then you fight against His control of your life. You don't trust that He has your best interest at heart. You don't trust that He will protect you and work everything together for your good in the end.

But let me tell you. God is good. He is just. He is faithful. He performs miracles! We will never understand His ways, but we can trust Him!

I choose to trust Him and it is such a relief. He takes on the burden so I don't have to.

So get ready cancer, you are about to melt in fear because of the power of the almighty God! You think you're tough, but you will be shaking in your boots!

*Treatment Update*

I have had my stem cells collected and completed another round of ICE.
This round was really tough and my blood counts went lower than they ever have before.
Because of this, I had to have a blood transfusion. I was really resistant to this idea, but I feel SO MUCH BETTER! I had no idea how weak I really was.
This week I go back for my final round of ICE.
I get scanned on July 8th! I covet your prayers!

What Joy

Just a quick update today!

I spent 10 days in Nashville to collect my stem cells and I can't tell you how happy I am to be HOME!!!

I definitely had some ups and downs on the trip, but I'm thankful everything is completed and they retrieved all of the stem cells that they needed. It was crazy to think that I'll be getting those same cells back eventually.

Today I start another round of ICE! I'm excited because it puts us one step closer, but I'm not excited because it's chemo.

I know you all have been such prayer warriors for us and I know that my healing will come from the combined faith of all of you.

I would ask that you please lift me up in prayer this week and those that follow. Whether or not this set of chemo gets rid of the rest of my disease will determine a lot about my course of treatments.

Please be confident with me that this will get rid of the rest and my pet scan in 6 weeks will be CLEAN!!!!

We talked in lifegroup last night about the concept of joy. There are many that would think that David and I could not be joyful at a time like this. I've even thought this. How can we be joyful in a time like this?

The answer is that yes you can because joy is not determined by our circumstances. Joy comes from God. It is a fruit of the spirit and a fulfillment of God's love for us.

Even though we have had an extremely hard year and are looking at an extremely hard next few months, we can trust that God goes before us. We can have joy that we are fulfiling God's will for our lives. We can have joy despite our circumstances. It is my prayer that God would heal me, but it is also my prayer that God would give me joy through the storm.

"What joy, what joy for those who's hope is in the name of the Lord.
What peace, what peace for those whose confidence is Him alone."

A time...

"There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance."

With a heavy heart I read this scripture. For the Vogel/Stevenson families it is a time to weep and a time to mourn.

On Thursday morning Bethany Hunter Hardman was killed in a car accident.

Bethany was not related to me or David, but she was family. David's grandparents began a tradition with their friends, the Stevensons, many years ago to celebrate Thanksgiving together. This tradition began with 4 people and has grown several generations to over 50.

This wonderful family welcomed me in and called me their own as eagerly as David's family did, and on Thursday, they lost someone very dear.

Even though I have only known Bethany for a few years, I have many great memories of her! From staying up late to talk with me at Thanksgiving to many conversations on the beach in New Jersey to overhearing her sing "the wheels on the bus" to her sweet boy over and over again. To hearing her get creative with "people on the bus, chickens on the bus, pigs on the bus etc."

She always made me feel welcome and opened her heart up to me. She let me in.

She was a wonderful mama to a little boy named Noah and a sweet baby girl named Lilly.
She was a great wife to a man named Randy.
She was a precious daughter to a mom named Laura and a dad named Dave.
She was a loyal sister to men named Jeremy, Jonathan, Andrew, and Joel and sister-in-law to Joanna.
She was a priceless cousin to Katie, Dave, Kara, Luke, Zach, Jake, Lena, Jessie, and Corey.
She was a sweet grandaughter to Harry and Ann.
She was a valued niece to Cindy, Mark, Tani, and Rich.
She was a treasured friend to many.
And this is only a small portion of the people that loved her dearly.

I can only imagine the hurt that my sweet extended family must be feeling right now. It hurts so much to have lost Bethany. It hurts so much to know that she won't be there for Thanksgiving, or summer vacation, or cousins weekends. It hurts so much that I can't be with everyone right now.

I know that she is with Jesus now, but we grieve because she will be greatly missed.

Many times when tragedy strikes, we wish we could turn back time. I know there have been many times when I wished I could go back to life before cancer.

But the truth is, if you could rewind, you'd always end up back in the same place.
Life moves forward. You have to hit play.
This world is a broken, scary place. We will never fully understand why the things in our life happen the way they do, but God is sovereign over all.

The only answer, the only hope, the only way to keep going is Jesus. We will see Bethany again because of Jesus. We will find peace amidst the sadness because of Jesus.

Today we are torn down, today we weep, today we mourn, but today, Bethany is dancing with our Savior....and someday soon we will dance too.

We love you Bethany!

Way Overdue!

This post is extrememly overdue! Things have just been SO crazy busy with the Vogels these days, I've struggled to find time to update everyone!

Thank you to everyone for your kind words and thoughts about our last scan. We are so thankful to have good news and at be headed in the right direction. After talking with our doctors at Vanderbilt, the ideal would have been to have a clean scan this past time, however, the fact that my disease has responded so significantly is a VERY positive thing. We understand that we are just dealing with a very resistant disease that will take a little more "heavy hitting" than most. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God is bigger though! When He chooses to give me complete healing, it won't matter what we're up against!

So here's the plan.....

Step 1: Evaluation for Stem Cell Transplant

 I went for two days to Nashville and pretty much every test under the sun was performed. They checked my heart, lungs, bone marrow, and took about 20 vials of blood! Crazy! We met with doctors, nurses, radiation oncologists, social workers, you name it! We got a lot of information and it was a bit overwhelming, but we are thankful to be headed in this direction!
 
Step 2: Stem Cell Collection

Our hope is to use my own cells for a stem cell transplant. This is less intense and has fewer long term side effects than using a donor. My brother is a perfect match for me if we have to go down that road, but we are hopeful that we won't need that! I will be in Nashville from the 9th to the 18th for stem cell collection. It's not a hard procedure, but it does take some time. They said I should feel normal and be able to do normal things like shopping and sight-seeing. Any recommendations on things to do in Nashville would be appreciated!

Step 3: Two more rounds of ICE chemo

It is our FERVANT prayer that this step would put me in complete remission. I had such a great response to the first two rounds, but there is still a small amount of disease holding on. PLEASE PRAY that more ICE will knock it out!

Step 4: PET scan

If this scan is clean, then we will head directly into transplant! If not, then we will possibly try another type of chemo or do radiation first. We are really, really, really hoping it will be clean!

Step 5: Stem Cell Transplant

I will spend about a month in Nashville and hit the reset button on my immune system. I will get a very large amount of chemo and then recieve my stem cells back to regrow my bone marrow. It's a crazy process, but we hope that this reset of my immune system will prevent relapse and get rid of this stuff for good!

Step 6: Radiation

I will then go through about 3 1/2 weeks of radiation to the spots where I previously had disease. Radiation is extremely effective in treating Hodgkin's Disease, but they try to avoid it in younger patients due to the possibilities of secondary cancers. My Doctors and my family all agree that curing me now and hopefully preventing Hodgkin's relapsing is more important than secondary cancers. We really like our radiation oncologist and he is confident that this is the best route for me.

Phew! That's a lot of steps! It's a long road, but we are thankful to have a road! God is teaching me so much about who He is and what it means to go through hardship.

Our preschoolers have been learning about Moses and the Israelites. God offered his protection to His chosen people over and over again, even when they didn't trust Him. God has begun to open my eyes to see that His protection has been a huge theme in my life as well. There have been quite a few moments during this journey that I have questioned God's plan for my life. I mean, He didn't protect me from cancer, did He?! But the truth is, He has protected me from SO MUCH!

After three types of chemo in a year, I do not have any damage to my heart or lungs! They are functioning perfectly! I also have never been nauseous enough to stay in bed all day through this entire process and have been able to continue working. Praise the Lord!

God has been so good to us, and I know He will continue to be! This journey we have been on has been crazy and scary, but we are standing firm on His promises and asking Him daily for healing. Just like God was faithful to the Israelites, we are confident He will be faithful to us!

 I can't even begin to tell you how grateful I am for my friends and family. This community I have been blessed with is well beyond what I deserve! Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who has blessed us with gifts, cards, well wishes, words of encouragement, and most importantly prayer!

Giving Thanks!

Yesterday we went to Vanderbilt for my scan after 2 cycles of ICE chemo.

The results of this scan were so important. Basically another failed chemo would not be good for my future. It would have put me in a tiny category of people that have disease that is not chemo-sensitive. It would mean that we would try other toxic chemo, radiation, clinical trials, or possibly have gone straight to a donor stem cell transplant....very scary. If ICE can get me into a complete remission, then we can move forward with an autologous stem cell transplant (using my own stem cells) which is much less intense and safer.

We didn't share this with a lot of people, but my doctors did not think that this chemo would work at all. They already had labeled my disease"chemo-resistant" and basically told us that we were trying ICE in order to "rule it out." We literally have a recorded session with my specialist where he said this. Talk about a downer....

Well before the scan I had a LOT of anxiety. (In the cancer world we call it "scanxiety" haha) I was trying my best to trust the Lord, but I could still feel a tumor in my neck and I was having pains in my chest that I assumed were growing tumors. Remember that I have never been in remission and have never had a scan that showed progress or good news. I had spun myself into a pretty dark place where my future was in jeopardy.

I prayed harder than I've ever prayed before and God heard me. He heard the thousands of people that have been praying for me.

As I sat in the doctor's office, I just knew the results would be bad. I had prepared myself for the worst and had options that I wanted to try ready to go for when she said, "the chemo's not working."

You can imagine my surprise when she walked in and said, "well I'm not a radiologist, but I looked at the scan and it seems to be almost all gone."

I was in a complete state of shock.

David and I both said, "really?!?"

So she showed us the previous scan I had done 6 weeks ago and the scan from yesterday and we could see an amazing result! The old scan lit up to show an enourmous amount of disease in my chest and neck. On the new scan, we could not see anything in my chest and only one small dot in my neck.

Amazing!

The amount of disease has decreased SIGNIFICANTLY!

The official radiologist report states that there is still some disease, but it has gone from "severe or intense" to "mild or moderate." We'll take it!

We are so grateful!

This means we will move on with another round of ICE to hopefully get rid of the small amount that is left.

If we can get a complete remission or "no evidence of disease" after the third round, then we can move forward with an autologous stem cell transplant and hopefully be DONE with cancer.

I cannot tell you how grateful I am. I want to shout from the rooftops!

I have felt for months that I was drowning. I have felt so out of control and like this disease was slowly taking over my body and stealing my future and there was nothing I could do about it.

I had begun to question whether God was willing to rescue me or not. Whether he wanted to save me.

I was in a pretty dark place.

God met me there and lifted me up. He gave me good news and showed me once again that I'm not alone and that He is bigger than all of this.

It is a miracle that this has worked as well as it has. God is so good to prove the doctors wrong! I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God took away that amount of disease, not the chemo. I know that it was your prayers that caused such a good report yesterday! If you share my story with anyone, be sure to give God the credit, not the chemo!

Now, we are not out of the woods yet. We have to get rid of the little bit that's left. But today I am praising the Lord and feeling so completely grateful that God would show me such grace.

To God be ALL the glory!

Now we move forward with new energy and strength and pray even harder for a COMPLETE remission! I know God can do it!

"I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will RESCUE you!" ~Isaiah 46:4

The Shadow of the Cross

One of my very favorite songs of all time is Kari Jobe's "What love is this."

The chorus goes like this:

"What love is this, that You gave Your life for me
And made a way for me to know You.
And I confess, You're always enough for me
You're all I need."

I just love this song, and God used it and this photograph to teach me a little something this week.

It was the week before Easter last year that I was first diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma. We have been fighting this awful disease for almost exactly a year now and I can't believe it.

Many people may look at my life and say that I have suffered greatly in the last year.
~I've endured 12 treatments of ABVD chemo, 2 rounds of Brentuximab, and 2 rounds of ICE chemo. ~I've lost my hair twice and gained close to 30 pounds.
~I've been told I would not be able to have children naturally.
~I've seen my chances of surviving and having a long-term remission decrease steadily with each disappointing scan.
~I've watched my family, friends, and husband suffer because of a disease that is completely out of my control.
~I've experienced fear, doubt, hurt, anger, and disappointment over and over again.

Yes, many would say I have suffered this year, and most days I would whole-heartedly agree.

But as I sit here tonight and think about Easter, my suffering seems so tiny compared to what my Jesus suffered.

"I look to You
I see the scars upon Your hands
And hold the truth
That when I can't You always can.
I'm standing here beneath the shadow of the cross, 
I'm overwhelmed that I keep finding open arm."

My Jesus suffered on the cross. He was pierced for MY transgressions. He took MY sin and bore it as His own. He paid MY debt.

His death on the cross was horrific, but Jesus experienced the greatest suffering of all when God turned his face from Him. He even shouted from the cross,

"My God, My God why have you forsaken me?"

Jesus felt what it was like to have God forsake Him, and that suffering, I will never experience.

No, I'll never know this kind of suffering... because of Jesus. He bore that for me, so I wouldn't have to. Things have been hard, but God is always with me.

I was recently looking at pictures from our trip to Whitestone right before I started ICE.  We were seeking the Lord so much and wanting answers so badly. We were scared and nervous about what was before us. When I saw this picture, I noticed soemthing new and these lines from the song immediately popped in my head.

"I'm standing here beneath the shadow of the cross, 
I'm overwhelmed that I keep finding open arm."

Do you see the shadow of the cross in the upper right hand corner?!The shadow of the cross, right there to remind me that I will never have to suffer like Jesus suffered! What a sweet reminder of God's love for me.

There have been times on this journey when I have felt like God had forgotten about me, but He has not!

So be thankful for the incredible gift that Jesus gave to us. He bore our sin and suffered so that we don't have to. We can spend eternity in heaven instead of being separated from God. All we have to do is accept the gift and live for Him! This, my friends, is the best news of all!

Happy Easter everyone!

Ice Ice Baby~ Day 1

I started my new chemo yesterday. The beloved ICE! It is a three-day treatment, so I go back today and tomorrow for more! I can't promise that I will post everyday, but I thought I'd at least give a mini-update.

I was at the doctor for a total of 7.5 hours yesterday. I had  doctor's appointment, bloodwork done, and then a whole lot of pre-meds and chemo!

One of the drugs in my new regimen is hard on your kidneys so I was given a total of two hours of just fluids. I have never been more hydrated/bloated in all my life! Thankfully, I still feel pretty mornal so far. I can tell my body is a bit weaker and I have a funny taste in my mouth, but no nausea yet. (They give you the good nausea stuff before treatment and it lasts a few days).

Today's treatment will be a bit shorter thankfully. I'm hoping to be there from 9:00 to about 12:30.

I want to take a moment to thank everyone for your prayers, support and gifts! I don's have enough time to share everything, but I wanted to make a short thankful list. (P.S. I wish I had more pictures!)

I'm thankful for...

~A church staff as fun and supportive and flexible as Northstar! From holding a prayer service, to providing us with time away, to putting on an 80's party for volunteers, to allowing us job flexibility during treatments, to everything else! I couldn't ask for more!

~Friends that drive from Johnson City to spend time with me and give me a goody basket!

~Friends that take me to lunch and to get my nails done!

~Sweet people that leave me presents on my doorstep!

~A company that is extremely understanding and supportive as I work from home!

~A life group that is as thoughtful, supportive, prays as much, and laughs as much as ours!

~A church family that showers me with love and gifts and prayers. 

~For my former coworkers who still think of me and pray for me even though I've been gone almost three years!

~For great neighbors and best friends who surprise me with porch makeovers!

~For great nurses and staff at Thompson Cancer Survival Center! Phillip, Mike, Amy, Dr. Ibach, Melissa and many more!

~For my amazing families who drive long distances to be with me and pray with me and have girls weekends and love me from near and far away!

~For my partner in crime, Sarah Coleman, who always makes me laugh and teaches me more about the Lord everyday.

~For the many, many people who lift me up in prayer each and every day! Some I know and some I don't! Thank you so much!

~And most of all to my amazing husband without whom I would have given up by now. David Vogel, you are my rock and I love you more than I can confess. God has doen such a beautiful work in our marraige and I know he will be faithful to us.

As I go into day 2, I ask one thing from anyone that would read this little blog. Please stand in agreement with me. Please believe with me that God will use this drug to kill my tumors once and for all. It is my fervant prayer that God would defeat this cancer and heal me in this life so that I may serve Him longer! No matter what happens, He is still is faithful.

Now is not a time for sadness, but a time for believing and rejoicing in the work God is doing! Please continue to stand with me in faith. Faith heals, and for a monster like this cancer, I need more faith than just my own!

Thank you in advance for your thoughts and prayers!