1. I lost my hair. This makes the third time I've had to shave my head. I might have cried. If you think it gets easier the more times you lose your hair, it's definitely not true. I'm praying this is the last time I ever have to lose it. Until it decides to grow back in, I'm rockin the bald look...again.
2. My mouth finally recovered and my gums quit hurting/bleeding last week (This meant my white count was about to start rising) I was really excited because I thought I was through the worst of it, but then I had some rough days after that. One step forward two steps back.
3. My white count started going up which is the first step in the "rebuild my bone marrow" process last week. It was <0.1 or basically non-existent for a long time. (Normal range is 3.9-10.7) Then it was 0.1, 0.2, 0.3, 0.7, 1.2....and today it went down a touch to 1.1. Boo. It's ok though they say that basically is the same as staying steady. I was just hoping for more improvement! Big steps forward, tiny step back.
4. My red blood cells have been pretty tricky. While I didn't have any bone marrow, I wasn't able to produce any on my own so I had to have several blood transfusions. I was dropping incredibly low quicker than they thought I should which was frustrating. Then I went three days with no blood and my count actually went up! I thought I was done with blood transfusions. Then today it went down again and I had to get blood. Very frustrating! One step forward, one step back.
Are you noticing a pattern? I'm finding that this journey is not as straight forward as I thought it would be. Hopefully from here on out, we can step forward, but I know God is with me even in the back-stepping.
On top of everything, I am so homesick. I just want to be at my house with my puppies and my husband. I want to go back to church I want to see my friends. I'm feeling so good now, it's hard to be here. I want to walk in my healing and live my life. I am so over being a patient!
I really miss this guy...
And these pups...
But I know that I have so much to be thankful for.
~I'm thankful I am recovering and feeling good again. I'm thankful I haven't had anything so serious that I ended up in the hospital.
~I'm thankful that I got my own cells instead of a donor's and so I only have to be here to day +30 instead of day +100.
~I'm thankful I have family that can come take care of me. I'm thankful to be in remission. I'm thankful for a lot of things.
~I'm thankful I have Jesus and therefore have hope when so many around me are bitter and have no hope.
I will press on to win the prize. I will stay steadfast and trust that the Lord has not forgotten me.
Lord help me focus on these things instead of the negatives. Lord help my counts to go up. Please grant us wisdom as we face tough choices and next steps ahead. Please keep this cancer from ever returning and grant us with a long life full of ministry, love, and babies together. Help me trust You in the uncertain times. Most of all, use my life to glorify You and don't let these struggles be in vain.
Love,
your daughter
I am praying that prayer right with you! Jesus give her a long and abundant life so she can have babies. Heal her! Use her for you glory. We trust you.
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