Fear

Fear

It sneaks in and takes hold of you before you even know what hit you.

I haven't posted in a while. I've had lots of thoughts for posts to write. I've had a lot of half-written in my head posts. But I just haven't followed through and written anything.

After it was rescheduled about 14 times, my "100 Day" PET scan has been scheduled for this coming Monday, Dec. 9th. At my appointment on Tuesday I will get the results and we will decide about radiation. (It's not actually 100 days since my transplant, but close enough.)

I wish I could say that I was confident about this scan. God healed me, this I know. But I haven't been feeling wonderful over the past few weeks and in my weakness I have let in some pretty intense fears.

I'm afraid that the cancer has grown back.
I'm afraid my healing was temporary.
I'm afraid everything I believed about my future won't come true.
I'm afraid God has forgotten about me.
I'm afraid.

Cancer is a big, ugly monster. It has completely altered the course of David and my life. It has prevented us from being parents right now. It has put our dreams on hold. It has claimed the life of my Grandfather, David's grandfather, countless others, and just this morning a friend from high school.

It's scary. It's big. And God doesn't always protect us from it. So it seems like it would be ok for me to be afraid that it would come back and ruin everything.

But it's not ok. Fear is not of God. God is bigger than cancer.

"Do not be anxious about anything but in every situation with prayer and petition present your requests to God and the peace that passes all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

Friends please petition the Father on my behalf. Pray that the cancer is still gone. That nothing would grow back. That my scan would go well and be COMPLETELY clean just like it was in September. That I would have peace no matter the outcome.

Thank you so much for standing with me.