My wish

There have been several times in my life when I wished for things that were just out of reach.

I've wished I was thinner, more beautiful, more outgoing, smarter, funnier, someone who had it all together.

When I was single I wished I was married and I have constantly wished I was a mother.

And even though these things have still tempted me, over the last year and half all I have really wished for was that I was someone who was healthy and didn't have cancer.

But today...today I wish my faith was stronger. Today I wish I could trust more and not fear death.Today I wish I had confidence in my future despite my circumstances.

We received probably the worst news possible this week. After less than 100 days since my transplant, the cancer has grown back in three lymph nodes in my chest.

It seems like such a punch in the stomach. To share such positive news back in August and go through transplant and think that finally we had beaten this thing. To think that finally the Lord had given us freedom from cancer.

I had planned my 2014 and it was going to be a wonderful year. I was going to grow my hair back and lose the cancer weight. We were going to go on a trip healthy and happy. We were going to start classes to become foster parents and look towards the future with hope.

All those plans are out the window. My cancer is back.

I can't even begin to tell you how much it hurts and how alone I feel.
I can't even tell you how much I would rather poke my eyes out than put my family and friends through more pain and heartache.
I can't even tell you how angry I am.

I feel like I was drowning for so long and I finally had been pulled from the water. However, this week I was thrown back in and I don't see a way back to the surface right now.

The plan right now is to do radiation and hopefully get control over the disease again. Then we will potentially do a donor transplant. These treatments are scary and hard on my body and will be done in Nashville. I still have a chance for a cure, but this cancer is more aggressive than we could have imagined.

I want to be strong and courageous. I want to give you scripture and tell you that I believe everything will be ok. I want to say something wonderfully profound about life that will make you believe that I'm hopeful.  But I'm struggling with that right now.

All I know to do is stand on the truth that I know.

God still loves me.
He is a good Father.
He understands my hurt and my pain.
He wants me to be honest with Him.
He'll walk with me to the very end.

I wish my circumstances were different. I wish my remission had been a cure. I wish I didn't have to walk this road. But I know who's walking with me, and I know where I'll be when I'm finished. 

We appreciate your prayers as we face this next chapter.