New York, New York

Well, we've been on a bit of a roller coaster since the last scan. I believed God was able to do something amazing. We thought the scan was clear....it wasn't. I can't tell you how frustrating it was to tell everyone I was in remission and celebrate and then find out the doctor missed something. There's a new spot. 

So instead of prepping for transplant, we are on our way to New York City to meet with one of the top doctors in the country for treating Refractory Hodgkins Lymphoma. His name is Dr. Younes and he is a leader on many clinical trials. We're hoping he has some wisdom and advice and can give us some options.

I'm so frustrated to be where we are. Most of the time I just want to scream! It's ridiculous that my cancer won't go away, it's stupid that my family has to sacrifice so much, it's unfathomable how much pain this disease has brought to the people I love the most. I want so badly for a God to heal me but He hasn't yet. I love Him and trust Him but I feel like He's ignoring our cries for help. I feel like maybe I just have to give up on my dreams.

In Scott's sermon on Sunday he talked about Timothy. One of the questions he asked was "what lies from the enemy are you believing that are keeping you from living out your dreams?" 

I've thought about this a lot. I have some pretty decent lies that run through my head a lot about why we are being prevented from living out our dreams. It's about to get real here people because here are a few if them. 

Maybe this is a punishment. Maybe I'm paying for something I've done.

Maybe I can't be a mom because I would be a bad one. Maybe I'm not a good enough wife or friend or daughter.

Maybe some cancers and depravity here on earth are just too big for God to overcome.

Maybe God hasn't healed me because my faith is too small. Maybe I haven't trusted Him enough. Maybe there's something deep down that's blocking it.

Maybe God won't save my life because it's not worth saving. Maybe more time on earth won't make a difference for the kingdom so He just wants to take me home.

And here is really the root of it all....Maybe God doesn't love me enough to save me.

Honestly, I struggle sometimes to recognize what is truth and what are lies from the enemy. And sometimes I'm so weary it doesn't seem like it even matters.

These lies will keep me from moving forward. They will paralyze me and there's no life and no hope in them.

I don't know why God has chosen this path for me and it hurts so deep in my core I don't know how to move forward sometimes. But I know He is sovereign and He does love me. 

Please continue to pray for a miracle for us. Pray for discernment and guidance and wisdom as we decide what's next. Please pray that God's voice would be louder than the enemy and that we would not give up on our dreams of healing, a family, ministry together.....a hope.....a future.