We'll start with an update. Our trip to New York went well! It wasn't exactly what we were expecting, but I'm glad we went. The Doctor was with us very briefly and basically said that the new spot I have is too small to biopsy so we have to wait and see if it grows. I go back in the beginning of May to scan and see if it's large enough to biopsy. If it is, we will discuss options then, if not, we will keep waiting.
Here's a picture of us at Wicked!
It has been really nice to have a break from treatment, but it's just still such a hard journey to be on.
Our situation is just hard. Cancer sucks. Suffering sucks.
I have been thinking more and more about the concept of suffering, especially as Easter is approaching.
Since we started this dreadful journey almost exactly two years ago, I have been told countless things about suffering.
Suffering is what draws us closer to God.
Suffering is what makes us more like Jesus.
Suffering is what allows us to think beyond ourselves.
Suffering is a reminder of our sin. Suffering is actually a gift from God.
I try to find comfort in these things, but the truth is. Suffering sucks. It's hard and it's terrible. I hurt. I'm disappointed. I'm mourning the things I'll never have. I'm struggling. Because SUFFERING IS HARD!!!!
I know that my suffering doesn't come close the the suffering that Jesus experienced. However, I think I understand this portion of scripture more now than I ever have before.
"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." Luke 22:42
I have begged and pleaded for God to just take this cancer away. If not for my sake then for David's or my family's or my church's. I am weary. I am worn. I need good news.
Today is Good Friday. It's the day Christ died for us. He went through the ultimate suffering. He was separated from God. Everyone thought that all was lost as He breathed his last breath.
I know the feeling. I've felt so helpless, so hopeless, so abandoned.
In this stage of my journey it's Friday. It's been Friday for a while.
But Sunday is the day we celebrate. Sunday is when Christ conquered death and miraculously rose from the dead. Everything that seemed to be on Friday was obliterated on Sunday! Literally all that was wrong was made right again. All that seemed so hopeless and lost and abandoned completely changed in one day, in one moment! Praise God!
I can only hope that one day all of my Friday woes and troubles will be obliterated as well. That just like Jesus, the things that keep me up at night, the tears and sobs that physically hurt, the fears and doubts, the begging and pleading for a different path, the pain I see on those that love me will all be but memories.
I don't know when my Sunday will come. Truthfully, I don't know if my Sunday will come in this life. But I have to hope and believe that my Sunday is coming too. I hope in a God who is constantly turning Fridays into Sundays throughout scripture and in other people's lives. My suffering is momentary. My anguish and hurt and despair is temporary.
I have to hope for Sunday, even though Friday is so completely awful.
If you are hurting. If you are suffering. I pray you can look forward to your Sunday. We serve a Risen Savior! The Lord did not allow Jesus to stay dead, and I don't believe He will allow us to stay in our suffering! Praise God for Sunday!
Lord please bring Sunday.
This REALLY touched me. In the midst of all YOU are going through, what you wrote was a word in season for ME. My suffering is more an issue of the heart. More the feeling hopeless and helpless and abandoned as I watch my child go deeper and deeper down the path of alcoholism and addiction, watching as he disappears, and desperately clinging to faith, desperately repeating over and over "The story is not finished. This is not the end." It's nowhere near what you are enduring - to be sure. But your words and your testimony were EXACTLY what my heart has been saying. And so, I found myself caught up - and then you said it - Sunday, the day when EVERYTHING was changed - and I felt that seed of faith watered, that piece of hope revived. Thank you for ministering encouragement out of your storm.
ReplyDeleteLeslie, you are a wonderful writer. I remember those fridays. your blog brings back a lot of hard memories, things I've blocked out but need to remember after my second DHAP chemo looking up and saying "Could you give me a break, just one break" I understand what Job went through. The funny thing is, through all of that, I realize now that I have 4 years remission, the peace I had through out my struggle and I've never before or since felt as close to God. I used to go out to a graveyard of all places to argue with God, when things got really tough. I know you'll find your "Sunday", I hope it's here on earth, I think you have a lot to give.
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