That Familiar Feeling

Well...My miracle still hasn't happened yet. My breakthrough hasn't come yet.

And my wounded heart is beginning to believe it never will.

The new spot has grown from 1 to 2 cm but I have several new nodes that are infected.

The cancer is growing. The cancer is spreading.

I realize that I shouldn't be surprised by this. I mean our news is very rarely good. This journey has been one painful step after another. My cancer has grown when it shouldn't have and come back when it didn't make any sense.

I just have been holding onto this hope that God is going to do something amazing. That the results would defy logic and medicine one time. That I would undoubtedly know that my God had rescued me from this disease. But instead, we wait. Instead, it grows. Instead, it spreads.

I can't qualify for any clinical trials until we can do a biopsy and none of the nodes are big enough to biopsy. So we wait two more months and try again.

I didn't want it to grow. I don't want to have any more treatments. I foolishly thought that maybe, just maybe it would be completely gone and never come back. I wanted God to heal me and let me live and have a family. I wanted to continue with normal life.

I guess two months is better than nothing. I should be grateful for the many blessings I have and that God has kept me alive this long. But I can't help but feel disappointment again.

My hope is growing extremely thin. I know my God is able even now to heal me. It just seems like He's not willing. It seems like I will not ever escape this horrendous disease.

I will continue forward as we always do. My sweet husband just keeps saying "one step at a time." I'm just so weary and wish the steps would get easier instead of harder.

Thank you all for your prayers. I feel so foolish continuing to ask you to hope and believe with me that I will be healed on earth and have a family. But that's all I can do. I'm want to feel hopeful again instead of foolish, so hopefully that will come soon. For now I cry and hurt and wish things were different.

Thank you all for your support and love.