So I haven't posted in a while because I have been enjoying my break from treatments so much! October has been so good to me! We've opened a new kids building at church, we've spent time with Shanna and Kyle, we've spent time with Kerith and Grandma, we went to a pumpkin patch, we carved pumpkins, we've spent several date nights down in market square, we ran a 5K! I just love fall!
I can report that I feel fantastic and have a ton of energy! God is so good to me!
God has been doing so much in me over the past month since I had my last treatment.
As I started out, I was just so excited for things to go back to "normal."
I became extremely focused on losing weight, growing my hair back, praying for God to bring a child into our lives....
I focused my energy on these things. I began dreaming again, making checklists, and making plans.
Then on Saturday, I received a heavy dose of reality. I was very vividly reminded that my journey with cancer is not over yet.
I am still awaiting a scan. I am still recovering. I am not "in the clear yet."
I was crushed as I felt my dreams shattering again. The harsh questions that popped into my mind.
What if it's not completely gone?
What if it comes back?
What if my body never fully recovers?
What if I am never able to have children?
What about long-term side effects?
What if I need more treatments? Different treatments?
What if more people that I love get cancer?
I realized that God knows the answers to these questions, and I don't. Doctors don't. My friends don't. The google people don't.
This journey is not over yet. How quickly I began making my own plans again. How quickly I began building my kingdom and forgetting that my plans will always crumble because they are merely sand and water next to the plans of the Rock of Ages.
I need not be afraid, simply trust.
Instead of my fearful questions, I will focus on a different set of questions. Here are a few questions that Lord asks in Job that have spoken to my heart. (and no, I in NO WAY think I have suffered like Job did, this is just a good reminder for everyone!)
"Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?
Who marked off its dimensions?
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth?
Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place?
Do you send the lightning bolts on their way?
Does the hawk take flight by your wisdom?
Does the eagle soar at your command and build its nest on high?
I don't know about you, but I can answer "no" to each and every one of these plus the many, many more found in Job.
I choose to trust the one who answers "yes" to these questions.