I'm sitting in the waiting room in NYC about to get my CT scan. It's amazing to me to think of the number of times I've been in this same place. The amount of feelings over the last three years every time I have to sit in a waiting room, drink oral contrast, get an IV, walk back to a scan, wait for results...
I have felt a lot of anxiety in the past. These scans determine so much for a cancer patient. Is my current treatment working? Has my cancer grown? Is my cancer gone? Is my cancer still gone? Will the scan show something else? What will the next season of my life look like?
But the Lord has granted me so much peace amidst these questions.
I don't want to let the fears and doubts about the future overwhelm me and rob me of what the Lord is doing in these very moments. Because He is doing SO MUCH!
I have been so blessed by this time of LIFE! My energy is up! My friendships are sweet! My hair is back! So many wonderful things are happening in my life right now.
My 2015 Living Water Challenge has been such a blessing to me. I can honestly say that the more I learn, the more I want to learn!
Just this morning, the Lord revealed something to me.
In John 4, Jesus talks to a Samaritan woman at a well. He asked her for a drink and she asked Him how He could even ask her that? She was a Samaritan and Jesus was a Jew.
"Jesus answered her, 'If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.' "
..."Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give will never thirst. Indeed the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."
I have asked for physical healing for three years. I have asked incessantly for
healing to the point that the Lord is probably tired of hearing it! It has overwhelmed my thoughts and has been my focus for so long!
We ask God for specific things in this life and I think that is good and right and the Lord wants to bless us. But what if He is saying to us, "If you only knew what I could give you, you wouldn't ask for that anymore. You would ask for living water instead!"
If I only knew all the the Lord could give me, would I be so focused on the things I can't have right now? What if I just sought His face? What if I focused on all He has already done instead of being impatient about what He hasn't done yet?
I believe this scripture is pointing us to the bigger picture. Jesus was telling this woman, it's not about this physical water in front of us. It's not about my race or your race. It's about the will of the Father.
In the past, my spiritual life has been a lot of me trying to do the right thing and fit into the role I thought I was supposed to play and praying for God to change my circumstances. But I have come to a place in my life where, yes I want some things about my circumstances to change, but more than that, I want my heart to change and I want to better know the One who can change it!
Yes, I still want healing.
Yes, I still want children.
Yes, I still want long life.
But I want something else even more.
I want to know my savior more. I want to see what He can give me. I want to drink of Living Water, and it doesn't really matter what my circumstances look like anymore.
If you only really knew what the Lord had to offer you, would you worry so much about what you were facing? If you only knew the gifts the Lord had in store for you, would your focus shift in any way?
I believe God desires to give us good things here on earth, but He wants to give us Living Water even more! Water that will satisfy us and never leave us thirsty!
I pray that my appointment goes well tomorrow.
I pray that the scan shows only improvement.
I pray I reach a very long remission from cancer.
I pray that my lungs continue to heal.
I pray that David and I would be able to be parents soon.
But the prayer that overshadows ALL of these things is that I would know Jesus more.
Everything else fades into the background when I turn my desire towards Him.