Monday, March 24, 2014

New York, New York

Well, we've been on a bit of a roller coaster since the last scan. I believed God was able to do something amazing. We thought the scan was wasn't. I can't tell you how frustrating it was to tell everyone I was in remission and celebrate and then find out the doctor missed something. There's a new spot. 

So instead of prepping for transplant, we are on our way to New York City to meet with one of the top doctors in the country for treating Refractory Hodgkins Lymphoma. His name is Dr. Younes and he is a leader on many clinical trials. We're hoping he has some wisdom and advice and can give us some options.

I'm so frustrated to be where we are. Most of the time I just want to scream! It's ridiculous that my cancer won't go away, it's stupid that my family has to sacrifice so much, it's unfathomable how much pain this disease has brought to the people I love the most. I want so badly for a God to heal me but He hasn't yet. I love Him and trust Him but I feel like He's ignoring our cries for help. I feel like maybe I just have to give up on my dreams.

In Scott's sermon on Sunday he talked about Timothy. One of the questions he asked was "what lies from the enemy are you believing that are keeping you from living out your dreams?" 

I've thought about this a lot. I have some pretty decent lies that run through my head a lot about why we are being prevented from living out our dreams. It's about to get real here people because here are a few if them. 

Maybe this is a punishment. Maybe I'm paying for something I've done.

Maybe I can't be a mom because I would be a bad one. Maybe I'm not a good enough wife or friend or daughter.

Maybe some cancers and depravity here on earth are just too big for God to overcome.

Maybe God hasn't healed me because my faith is too small. Maybe I haven't trusted Him enough. Maybe there's something deep down that's blocking it.

Maybe God won't save my life because it's not worth saving. Maybe more time on earth won't make a difference for the kingdom so He just wants to take me home.

And here is really the root of it all....Maybe God doesn't love me enough to save me.

Honestly, I struggle sometimes to recognize what is truth and what are lies from the enemy. And sometimes I'm so weary it doesn't seem like it even matters.

These lies will keep me from moving forward. They will paralyze me and there's no life and no hope in them.

I don't know why God has chosen this path for me and it hurts so deep in my core I don't know how to move forward sometimes. But I know He is sovereign and He does love me. 

Please continue to pray for a miracle for us. Pray for discernment and guidance and wisdom as we decide what's next. Please pray that God's voice would be louder than the enemy and that we would not give up on our dreams of healing, a family, ministry together.....a hope.....a future.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

He is Able

I know I've been quiet on here for a while. Since we got the bad news in December, life has been a whirlwind of emotions, holidays, radiation, work, church, grieving, researching, and a whole lot of praying. I have been in and out of some dark places and have pulled away from a lot of people.

There have been many times that I wanted to write a blog post about how I was feeling. About how unfair cancer is and about what it's like to watch everyone around you live their lives when you have the 1,000 pound weight of cancer bearing down on you and it feels like there's no way out. You feel so alone and left out. You feel so paralyzed. But I just couldn't do it.

David and I were so blessed to go on a vacation together to the beautiful Dominican Republic. We had a wonderful time, but even there the thoughts of what lies before me were hard to escape. I prayed a LOT and I came to a place where I knew I just had to let go. (cue cheesy Frozen theme song now) I had to let go of being a mom. I had to let go of living a long life. I had to let go of my hopes and dreams because they were just that, mine. This doesn't mean I'm giving up on living. It means I'm not the author of my story anymore. God is. I gave Him the reigns a long time ago and I have to let go of the anger I've had about how He's handled things the last two years. I had to let go. He may not want me to be a mom. He may let us have 10 kids! He may want me to come home to Him. He may want me to live for 50 more years. It's just not my call and I have to trust that whatever He decides it's the best thing.

It was great to do this. To let go of some of these feelings. But to be honest, it didn't make things that much easier when I got home. I had a few obstacles to overcome last week and we did a LOT of talking about my situation and what we would do next. It just seems so hopeless. By medical standards it kind of is. I felt more and more weighed down by that thought that there was no way out of this awful disease. More torturous treatment that probably won't even work or a torturous death....sounds fun. Not a lot of hope there.

Then a sweet lady at my church gave me Priscilla Shirer's book, God is Able. Now a LOT of people give me books and to be honest I have not read all of them, but something told me to read this book and I'm so glad I did. It helped me figure out what really had me upset and reminded me of the power of the God I serve.

Epesians 3:20
"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us."

If I believe that God is who He says He is, then I can't give up now.

I KNOW that God is able EVEN NOW to heal my body and restore my health.
I have always known that He was able. But I haven't always believed that He was willing. That that power would take up residence in me.
He would do those things for other people, but not me.

But this is a lie. God wants to heal me. He wants what's best for me. He loves me so much that He sent His Son to die for me. It's not a matter of His love for me.

God is sovereign and He may not choose to heal me. He may not choose to give me a miracle. But I know that He is able and I have to trust that he will do what's best.

I have a PET scan on Friday. We will discuss the options I have left and probably make some really tough decisions.

I am asking that everyone who reads this will believe with me that God is still able to rescue me from this! Please stand in faith with me! Don't read this and pity me and think, "well she's probably still going to die." Read this and believe that I will live! Read this and believe that GOD IS ABLE and He loves me and wants what's best for me!!!

Please pray for for wisdom and discernment and a miracle. Thank you in advance!