Well, it’s Christmas Eve and David and I are driving to
Pittsburgh, PA! We enjoyed the services at Northstar so much and hit the road afterwards!
We will get in late, but I am really looking forward to spending Christmas with
the Vogel family! This will be my first Vogel Christmas! I am so thankful to
have two families to spend the holidays with!
I have always loved the holidays, and this year has been no
exception. However, this season of our lives has been hard, to say the least. I
would be lying to you if I said I haven’t been struggling over these past few
weeks. I have questioned, doubted, been angry, cried, and been downright
depressed at times.
Our visit to Vanderbilt was so encouraging. God really has
paved the way for us. However, the reality of what we’re facing has crippled me
at times. My longing to be a mother has not decreased, and my desire to live a
long life of ministry with my husband is not diminished. These longings and
desires tug at my heart and make me ache. Sometimes I find myself in complete
shock. How did we even get here?
My husband is amazing and talks through everything with me.
He doesn’t judge me when I question. He is patient with me when I fall apart.
He encourages me and reminds me to hope. He reminds me to “put on a garment of
praise.”
Praising God in the midst of our storm has not been
the
easiest thing. I try desperately to tell God how much I adore Him, how
much I
trust Him, how much I love Him. Sometimes I struggle to quiet the
questions I really want to ask God. The hurt feelings that I cannot
hide.
“Why, why am I in this place?”
“Why haven’t you spared me from this?”
“It isn’t fair!”
“Where are you?” “Have you abandoned me?”
“Do you even love me?”
“Have you forgotten me?”
In one of my recent inner temper tantrums, I was reminded of
the concept of advent. We have taught our preschoolers a lot this year about
the importance of advent. The anticipation and waiting for Christ to come.
Just imagine the Jews in bible times waiting and waiting and
waiting for a Savior. They knew He could come at any time. They put all of
their hope in Him. When that child was born in a tiny manger, all of their
hopes and dreams were fulfilled. I’m sure there were times though that they doubted. They may have thought,
“He’s never coming.” “God has forgotten us.” “Do you even love us?” “Why do we
have to wait so long?” I’m sure there were people that questioned God’s timing
and plan. “A manger? Really?” But the fact that Jesus was their Savior never
changed, even when they didn’t understand. Even when they didn’t see Him.
I do not understand why I must fight this disease while
others don’t. I do not understand why the chemo didn’t work. I do not
understand why I have to have a stem cell transplant and why my dreams of being
a young mother are vanishing before my eyes. I may never know. As much as I
want it to, it just doesn’t make sense.
However, the fact that Jesus is my savior will never change.
The fact that all of my hope is in Him is constant…no matter what my
circumstances. I don't know why God allows certain things to happen, but I know that
Jesus is my Savior. I know that the only real hope I have in all of this is
Jesus. Whether He chooses to heal me in this life or not, my only hope is
Jesus.
I will continue to offer a sacrifice of praise. I must trust
the one who placed the stars in the sky. My Savior has come. He was born and
died in my place so that I may live.
This Christmas remember that you do not have to wait! The
long-awaited Messiah has already come! Praise the one who fulfilled all of our
hopes and dreams on that holy night so long ago.
“O holy night the stars are brightly shining. It is the
night of our dear Savior’s birth. Long lay the world in sin and error pining, ‘til
he appeared and the soul felt its worth. A thrill of hope the weary world
rejoices for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn. Fall on your knees oh hear
the angel voices. Oh night divine, oh night when Christ was born. Oh night
divine, oh night oh night divine.”
