Control

Here's the problem with cancer.

We have no control over it.

We can pretend like we do by trusting in chemo, radiation and doctors. We can pretend like we can avoid it by controlling our diet and not putting plastic in the microwave and staying out of the sun.

But we don't have control over cancer.

It has and will take the lives of many and affects the lives of nearly everyone.

We despise cancer. We fight against cancer. We hate cancer.

Why? Because we can't control it.

It represents the very thing that humans struggle with the most.

We want to control our world. We want to control our lives and many people will live a long time believing that they can.

Recently I have felt the sting of not having control over my own life. I hate the fact that my plan for my life has not played out the way I wanted it to. I think often about the fact that if cancer hadn't entered my life, things would be a lot different. I want things my way. I wanted to write my story.

However, even if you don't have cancer, you don't have control of your life. You're kidding yourself if you think you do. After losing Bethany, this reality has become even more clear to me.

As a Christian, this is one of the most frustrating and amazing parts of my life.

God is the one who controls my life. God calls the shots. He is the author and perfector of my faith.

I realized this past week that this is such a huge blessing!

I was reading a page about cancer and a survivor was being applauded for being so strong and for causing his cancer to run in fear because of his strength.

While this was meant to be a compliment, all I could think of was, "what a burden!"

If the only way my cancer will go away is if I'm strong enough, then you can count me out right now! I am NOT strong enough on my own. There is nothing I can do to control this beast except to trust the one who can.

In Joshua it says:

"When we heard of it, our hearts melted in fear and everyone's courage failed because of you, for the Lord your God in heaven above and on earth below." ~Joshua 2:11
 

The hearts of the enemies of the Israelites melted in fear simply because God was with them. People, this cancer will not melt in fear because of me! This cancer will melt in fear because God is with me!
Thank you Lord for taking that burden from me!

With God ALL things are possible. Without Him NOTHING is possible!

I don't have control over my life and let me tell you that is FRUSTRATING! But guess what? I don't have control over my life and that is AMAZING!

If your view of God is that He is mean or vindictive or judgemental than this bit of information doesn't make you feel any better. If you don't trust who God is, then you fight against His control of your life. You don't trust that He has your best interest at heart. You don't trust that He will protect you and work everything together for your good in the end.

But let me tell you. God is good. He is just. He is faithful. He performs miracles! We will never understand His ways, but we can trust Him!

I choose to trust Him and it is such a relief. He takes on the burden so I don't have to.

So get ready cancer, you are about to melt in fear because of the power of the almighty God! You think you're tough, but you will be shaking in your boots!

*Treatment Update*

I have had my stem cells collected and completed another round of ICE.
This round was really tough and my blood counts went lower than they ever have before.
Because of this, I had to have a blood transfusion. I was really resistant to this idea, but I feel SO MUCH BETTER! I had no idea how weak I really was.
This week I go back for my final round of ICE.
I get scanned on July 8th! I covet your prayers!