I've started writing about ten different posts in my head, but never get around to writing them. The truth is I don't really know what to say. To say this last year and a half has been an emotional roller coaster would be an understatement!
I was very hopeful that this last scan would be completely clean. I truly felt in my heart that we were nearing the end of all of this. But we still have a bit of road ahead of us.
My scan was not clean. There is a small cluster of lymph nodes in my chest that remained the same size and activity from the last scan. Everything else is gone. This means I can't do a stem cell transplant yet.
Thankfully my doctor doesn't want to abandon chemo yet. I will be trying a new drug called Bendamustine to see if we can wipe out this last stubborn bit of disease and then do a stem cell transplant with my own cells to hopefully keep it from coming back. Radiation will be the last step to seal the deal.
If this drug does not work, then we start looking at other options such as radiation, clinical trials, and a donor stem cell transplant.
How do I feel about all of this?
I'm frustrated.
I'm hurt.
I'm weary.
I'm discouraged.
The truth is when people ask me, I don't really know what to say.
When I think about everyone that is believing with me and invested in me and that I have to deliver another round of bad news I think, "it shouldn't be this way."
When I think about how much of our marriage has been spent dealing with cancer I think, "it shouldn't be this way."
When I think about the fact that 90% of people who have Hodgkins are cured with one type of chemo and I'm on number four I think, "it shouldn't be this way."
When I think about how much my heart aches for orphans and how I wish I could bring them into my home and love them but I can't because of stupid cancer I think, "it shouldn't be this way."
When my heart hurts so much because I can't be a mom yet that I physically ache I think, "it shouldn't be this way."
When I think about how much I want to grow old with my husband and all we could accomplish for the kingdom if cancer would just GO AWAY I think, "it shouldn't be this way."
And it shouldn't.
But what I do know is that there are a lot of things that "shouldn't be this way."
Cancer is one on a long list.
The reason we have this list is because of sin. The world shouldn't be this way. We should be living in the garden in close proximity to God. We should trust and never doubt God's promises. We shouldn't Sin and a perfect man shouldn't have had to die because of it.
It shouldn't be this way.
But that same man rose from the dead. He saved us from eternal punishment and it is by His wounds and nothing else that I am healed.
I have moments of fear, moments of doubt, moments of despair, but it is this truth that I can't deny and right now it is the only hope I can cling to.
Thank you all so much for your prayers and encouragement. It pains me so much to deliver not so good news, but I pray that we can all still stand in hope and believe that my healing is on the way!
Tomorrow I start Bendamustine for two days then three weeks off. Thank you for all of your prayers!
