Monday, August 26, 2013


Tomorrow is my sweet husband's birthday. The most faithful, steadfast, funniest, most talented, most good-looking guy I know will be 29 tomorrow.

Tomorrow is also my scan after two rounds of Bendamustine. We travel to Vanderbilt tonight.

The past few days I've pretty much been a mess. I'm pretty anxious about this scan. I don't know what God is going to do. I don't know if God is going to heal me. I don't know what my future holds and if I even have a future. And it's scary.

I try very hard to be strong and just keep going with life as usual, but tomorrow will determine a lot.

I know how important it is to worship through the storms of life. I know that my job is to continue to worship God no matter what the outcome is tomorrow, but I haven't always done a great job at this.

David and I were in the car the other day and I was not having a good day. I was upset and sad and scared. I was feeling so left out and so hurt. I was questioning God and why He wouldn't want to save me, why He wouldn't want me to be a mother or grow old with my husband. Why He chose this for us when so many around us get to live normal lives?

David put on some music and said, "we need to worship right now."

I looked at him like He was a crazy person. How could I worship God right then? I was pretty upset with Him. How could I tell Him how wonderful He was, when I felt like He had forgotten me.

But David was insistent. So at first I started to sing half-heartedly. I was just letting the words come out, but not really feeling it. But the more I sang, the more I wanted to sing. As the song went on, tears came to my eyes and I knew the words I was singing were true. I couldn't deny them, even though I can't see them played out in my life yet.

My song was not pretty.
My song was broken.
My voice cracked because of my tears.
There were many times I couldn't even get the words out.
But I think I truly worshipped God.

I didn't gain any understanding. I still have anxiety. I'm still hurting. I'm still broken. But I do know now exactly what it means to worship God in the midst of the storm. I'm so thankful for David leading our family in that direction.

Please pray for us tomorrow. I know I've asked so many times. I know the weariness that many of you feel because we feel it about a million times more. But this scan determines a lot about my future and we need your support now more than ever before. I know God is still good and is still faithful no matter what the outcome. I just really want this to be the one. We will, however, continue to worship no matter what.

A clean scan would be the most amazing birthday present I could give my amazing man.

This is the song we sang.

Your Great Name

Lost are saved; find their way; at the sound of your great name
All condemned; feel no shame, at the sound of your great name
Every fear; has no place; at the sound of your great name
The enemy; he has to leave; at the sound of your great name

Jesus, Worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and Man
You are high and lifted up; that all the world will praise your great name

All the weak; find their strength; at the sound of your great name
Hungry souls; receive grace; at the sound of your great name
The fatherless; they find their rest; at the sound of your great name
Sick are healed; and the dead are raised; at the sound of your great name
Jesus, Worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and Man
You are high and lifted up; that all the world will praise your great name

Redeemer, My Healer, Almighty
My savior, Defender, You are My King

Jesus, Worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and Man
You are high and lifted up; that all the world will praise your great name


  1. Hey my sister:
    Oh how my heart breaks for you and David, happy birthday to him by the way! I have always followed your posts and I must admit today's post concerning your future, broke my heart in a way I've not known. Leslie you have been the pillar of faith throughout this ordeal, what inspiration. However I was thinking about you,how so many people need to know you! I certainly am better for having known you these past years! I love you Leslie and I will never stop praying.

  2. We are praying and worshipping with you Leslie - and even when you don't feel like you are, just remember that deep calls out to deep... we are calling out as well, love you guys

  3. God is able to do ANYTHING! Trust me in the midst of a messy day.Your inner calm your PEACE in My PRESENCE need not be shaken by what is going on around you. Though you live in a temporal world, your innermost being is rooted & grounded in eternity. When you start to feel stressed, detach yourself from the disturbances around you. INSTEAD of desperately striving to maintain order & control in your little world, relax & remember THAT CIRCUMSTANCES CANNOT TOUCH MY PEACE. Seek my face & I will share My mind with you, opening your eyes to see things from My perspective. Do not let your heart be troubled, & do not be afraid. The Peace I give is sufficient for you. JESUS CALLING 8/26 Hoping this helps you today sweet sister. God has heard LESLIE VOGEL'S name thousands of times these past 18 months with people storming the gates of heaven on yours & David's behalf. Satan wants to keep you down, but you are an OVERCOMER! Xoxox

  4. I am praying for you as always! Happy Birthday to David, and I am so glad you have this man by your side. :-)