This coming Sunday is Mother’s Day. I am so blessed to have
an incredible mother. I have watched her endure through hardship. I have seen
her fiercely protect those that she loves and I have learned how to be a
compassionate person because of her example. I have always found in her a
comfort and friend. I am also blessed with an incredible Mother-in-Law. She has
accepted me as one of her own children and loved me unconditionally. Her
tenacious spirit and faith has inspired me and I know I can count on her. These
two women deserve to be celebrated this Sunday and every day of the year!
So why does the thought of Mother’s day usually make me cry?
Why do I get a knot in my stomach when I think about it? Because I’m not a
mother.
1 in 8 women are affected by infertility. 1 in 8. Women who have a desire to be a mother and walk out the most
difficult and rewarding journey there is, but can’t. These women hurt. These
women cry. These women blame themselves and think they have done something to
deserve their heartache. These women hide their feelings and put on a happy
face at baby showers, friend’s children’s birthday parties, church events,
family gatherings and more. They listen patiently when friends go on and on
about their pregnancies and the trials and joys of parenthood. They endure the
looks and comments insinuating, “you’ll understand someday” or “If you had
kids, then you’d know what it’s like.” They feel the pain of each year that
passes without a child and Mother’s Day is a very obvious reminder that yet
again, they are not a mother.
My story isn’t typical, but I consider myself a 1 in 8. The
past few Mother’s Days have been challenging for me. I want to celebrate the
women in my life who are mothers. I have so many friends who are incredible
mothers or mothers to be. This is their day! It’s just incredibly hard to be
reminded yet again that you don’t belong to this amazing club and I have spent
Mother’s day in tears before. I have put on a brave face at church and then
fallen apart at home. I have felt the pain and longing and defeat and I know
that I am not alone.
However, this Mother’s Day I desire something different.
This Mother’s Day I will not be crying in the corner. I will choose to stand in
hope that I will be a mother some day. I will make room for the blessings that
I believe the Lord has in store for me. They may not play out the way I
originally thought they would, but I believe the Lord is faithful and my joy
and fulfillment can be found in Him, not in a status of mother.
A few years ago, dear friends of mine were in a multiple
year wait for the adoption of their three beautiful children from Columbia.
They had endured much hardship in the adoption process. They knew they were
called to this road, but had met so much frustration and hurt along the way. At
Christmas, they could have been defeated and hurt by another holiday without
their children. But instead, they hung three small stockings on their mantle.
They didn’t know who their children were yet. They didn’t know their names. But
they made space in their lives for them. They prepared their hearts for the day
those little stockings could have names printed on them. They sat in
expectation of what the Lord could do instead of defeat by what hadn’t happened
yet. And they have inspired me to do the same.
It reminds me of a story we learned about a few weeks ago in
the kid’s ministry at church. We learned about Bartimaeus, a blind beggar who
waited by the roadside for Jesus to pass. He wore a cloak that represented his
status to the world. The cloak told passersby that he was a beggar. That he
could not work because of his ailment.
“Then they came to Jericho. And as He was leaving
Jericho with His disciples and a large crowd, a blind beggar named Bartimaeus, the son of
Timaeus, was sitting by the road.47 When he heard that it was Jesus the Nazarene,
he began to cry out and say, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!” 48 Many were sternly telling him to be quiet,
but he kept crying out all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!” 49 And Jesus stopped and said, “Call him here.” So they called the blind man,
saying to him, “Take courage, stand up! He is calling for you.”50 Throwing
aside his cloak, he jumped up and came to Jesus. 51 And answering him, Jesus said, “What do you
want Me to do for you?” And the blind man said to Him, “Rabboni, I want to regain my sight!” 52 And Jesus said to him, “Go; your faith has
made you well.” Immediately he regained his sight and began following Him on the
road.” ~Mark 10:46-52
Do you see? He threw his cloak aside before Jesus had healed
him. His faith was so great that he knew his status was going to change before it
actually did.
The pain of infertility and waiting on a child is real,
tangible even. But the joy set before those of us that suffer is even greater.
I don’t know what my future holds. I don't know when I will be a mother. I
don't know how many more Mother’s Days I will experience without a child in my
arms. But I believe that the Lord has great things in store for me. I believe
that right now, he is calling me to make room in my life for the children that
will come. So this Mother’s day I will not cry in my room. My face will not be
downcast. I will choose to have joy and anticipate my change in status!
I will not bear the
cloak of barren or sick or cancer patient. I will throw it aside and find joy in the blessings
to come. I will celebrate the amazing mothers in my life and try to learn from
them as much as I can about motherhood because I believe it is in my future. I
will bear the title of future mother
and worship my Savior on Sunday through any feelings that may come up.
Whatever it is you are waiting for in your life, whatever
cloak you bear that oppresses you and steals your joy, I encourage you to throw
it off and step into a life of expectation. And if you are like me and you fall
into the 1 in 8, please reach out to me. Please contact me. I would love to
walk with you and pray with you and worship with you in the midst of your wait.
We are not meant to walk alone. Let’s throw off our cloaks and anticipate what
the Lord will do!
