Everything went well. I saw my doctor and then went out to Oak Ridge for the infusion. I am feeling a bit tired and my body is sore. I'm really hoping this means that this medicine is FIGHTING THESE TUMORS!!! Please Lord let it be so!
I appreciate so much everyone's prayers and interest in what is going on.
The question I get the most often is, “How are you feeling?” Mostly people mean physically. This answer is always easy. The majority of the time, physically I feel good. Especially now with the new medicine that has no side effects.
For those that wonder how I am feeling emotionally? The answer is not so easy. I know that the only one who can save me from this mess is Jesus. I know that my faith in Him is what will heal me. I am striving everyday to trust Him, but it’s not exactly easy. There are so many unknowns and so many scary outcomes to all of this.
If I'm being completely honest, the last week has been pretty rough. There is a lot of pressure for this drug to work and I've found myself heavy and doubting. My thoughts run away with me when I think of what will happen if my tumors don't respond to this drug...
My usual response to the emotional feeling question is, “I have good days and bad days.” This however, is not completely accurate. If I were answering truthfully, I would say, “I have good moments and bad moments.” I have moments where I forget I even have cancer, moments where I couldn’t be happier, moments where I feel God’s presence and I trust him completely.
Then I have bad moments. I have the moments of intense fear and doubt. I have the heavy moments where I wonder if I will survive this. Where I question God and His hand in my life. Moments where I wonder if this will be my last year of birthdays, or date nights or family gatherings, etc.
I have to strive every moment to find faith. I have to choose within every breath to trust God. Every moment is a battle and sometimes I win and sometimes I lose.
I have been learning a lot about Abraham and his faith through a weekly bible study I go to and the curriculum we are using for our preschoolers. Abraham was a man of great faith. He trusted that God would give him descendants as numerous as the seashore. He believed that God would give him the promised land. He definitely had his slip-ups, but he always came back to God's promises and God was always faithful.
Even though Abraham was tested and it seemed like everything was against Him, God fulfilled His promise.
"And so from one man, and he as good as dead, came descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as countless as the sand on the seashore." Hebrew 11: 12
I am praying that God would give me faith like Abraham's. I pray that even though I must venture out into unknown land, even though my dreams seem so far away and it appears that so much is being stolen from me, I want desperately to be faithful.
I choose to believe that God will restore back to me all that has been lost and that I may have descendants that make famous the name of Christ!
I believe that God will use my life for the kingdom and that I will be healed from this awful disease. I pray that even in my failures, even in my weakness, even in my moments of doubt, that my faith would remain intact, just like Abraham.
If I accomplish nothing else in this life, in this journey, I pray that God may look upon me and find me faithful.