Tomorrow is also my scan after two rounds of Bendamustine. We travel to Vanderbilt tonight.
The past few days I've pretty much been a mess. I'm pretty anxious about this scan. I don't know what God is going to do. I don't know if God is going to heal me. I don't know what my future holds and if I even have a future. And it's scary.
I try very hard to be strong and just keep going with life as usual, but tomorrow will determine a lot.
I know how important it is to worship through the storms of life. I know that my job is to continue to worship God no matter what the outcome is tomorrow, but I haven't always done a great job at this.
David and I were in the car the other day and I was not having a good day. I was upset and sad and scared. I was feeling so left out and so hurt. I was questioning God and why He wouldn't want to save me, why He wouldn't want me to be a mother or grow old with my husband. Why He chose this for us when so many around us get to live normal lives?
David put on some music and said, "we need to worship right now."
I looked at him like He was a crazy person. How could I worship God right then? I was pretty upset with Him. How could I tell Him how wonderful He was, when I felt like He had forgotten me.
But David was insistent. So at first I started to sing half-heartedly. I was just letting the words come out, but not really feeling it. But the more I sang, the more I wanted to sing. As the song went on, tears came to my eyes and I knew the words I was singing were true. I couldn't deny them, even though I can't see them played out in my life yet.
My song was not pretty.
My song was broken.
My voice cracked because of my tears.
There were many times I couldn't even get the words out.
But I think I truly worshipped God.
I didn't gain any understanding. I still have anxiety. I'm still hurting. I'm still broken. But I do know now exactly what it means to worship God in the midst of the storm. I'm so thankful for David leading our family in that direction.
Please pray for us tomorrow. I know I've asked so many times. I know the weariness that many of you feel because we feel it about a million times more. But this scan determines a lot about my future and we need your support now more than ever before. I know God is still good and is still faithful no matter what the outcome. I just really want this to be the one. We will, however, continue to worship no matter what.
A clean scan would be the most amazing birthday present I could give my amazing man.
This is the song we sang.
Your Great Name
Lost are saved; find their way; at the sound of your great name
All condemned; feel no shame, at the sound of your great name Every fear; has no place; at the sound of your great name
The enemy; he has to leave; at the sound of your great name
Jesus, Worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and Man
You are high and lifted up; that all the world will praise your great name
All the weak; find their strength; at the sound of your great name
Hungry souls; receive grace; at the sound of your great name
The fatherless; they find their rest; at the sound of your great name Sick are healed; and the dead are raised; at the sound of your great name
Jesus, Worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and Man
You are high and lifted up; that all the world will praise your great name
Redeemer, My Healer, Almighty
My savior, Defender, You are My King
Jesus, Worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and Man
You are high and lifted up; that all the world will praise your great name
