So I meant to post this for Christmas, but I'm obviously a little behind.
One of my favorite Christmas songs is O Holy Night.
I've been thinking a lot about this line.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices.
It's Christmas time which I usually love and look forward to every year. It's a time of hope. It's a time of joy. But this year has been tough. I've felt a little like a zombie walking around with this weight on my heart. The weary world part has never been so real to me.
These past few weeks have been the hardest weeks of my life. I have so much hurt, anger, despair, and sadness inside me that it makes the day-to-day pretty challenging.
What do you do when the thing you've hoped for and believed in and thought had happened....didn't? What do you do when your future is probably not going to pan out the way you'd hoped?
At this point, medicine has little left to offer us. We've always believed that it would be God who would heal me, but now we feel a miracle is really the only way out of this nightmare.
Everything looks bleak. I feel like there's nothing to look forward to. I long for hope. The thrill that comes from imagining a bright future. The thrill of believeing that all is not lost.
I want people to still believe that I will be healed. I want to still believe it.
And I do.
God could still come through and heal me. God could still provide a way for me to live on this earth with my husband and have my babies. If anyone can do it, God can do it.
I do believe He's able, I just wonder if He is willing.
And what if He isn't? Where does that leave me? What if this cancer takes my life like it does so many others?
Well. I'll be with Jesus. I'll be in heaven. And people, heaven is better.
I mourn and feel so hurt because I want to be here, but we were never meant for here.
Jesus came to earth as a tiny baby. He lived a perfect life and died a horrendous death on the cross....for me. So I would be able to go to heaven. So when I die, it won't be black and dark and nothing, but a new life in heaven with Him!
There's no greater hope. There's no greater thrill.
I'm not giving up. We will press on and as we always do, we will take things one step at a time.
But I'm still reeling and still hurting from the disappointment. I'm unsure of what the Lord is doing and trying to trust Him.
My prayer is still that He would heal me on this Earth, but that my thrill of hope would come from being with Him someday. Please pray with me. Please hope with me. All is not lost.