Giving Thanks!

Yesterday we went to Vanderbilt for my scan after 2 cycles of ICE chemo.

The results of this scan were so important. Basically another failed chemo would not be good for my future. It would have put me in a tiny category of people that have disease that is not chemo-sensitive. It would mean that we would try other toxic chemo, radiation, clinical trials, or possibly have gone straight to a donor stem cell transplant....very scary. If ICE can get me into a complete remission, then we can move forward with an autologous stem cell transplant (using my own stem cells) which is much less intense and safer.

We didn't share this with a lot of people, but my doctors did not think that this chemo would work at all. They already had labeled my disease"chemo-resistant" and basically told us that we were trying ICE in order to "rule it out." We literally have a recorded session with my specialist where he said this. Talk about a downer....

Well before the scan I had a LOT of anxiety. (In the cancer world we call it "scanxiety" haha) I was trying my best to trust the Lord, but I could still feel a tumor in my neck and I was having pains in my chest that I assumed were growing tumors. Remember that I have never been in remission and have never had a scan that showed progress or good news. I had spun myself into a pretty dark place where my future was in jeopardy.

I prayed harder than I've ever prayed before and God heard me. He heard the thousands of people that have been praying for me.

As I sat in the doctor's office, I just knew the results would be bad. I had prepared myself for the worst and had options that I wanted to try ready to go for when she said, "the chemo's not working."

You can imagine my surprise when she walked in and said, "well I'm not a radiologist, but I looked at the scan and it seems to be almost all gone."

I was in a complete state of shock.

David and I both said, "really?!?"

So she showed us the previous scan I had done 6 weeks ago and the scan from yesterday and we could see an amazing result! The old scan lit up to show an enourmous amount of disease in my chest and neck. On the new scan, we could not see anything in my chest and only one small dot in my neck.

Amazing!

The amount of disease has decreased SIGNIFICANTLY!

The official radiologist report states that there is still some disease, but it has gone from "severe or intense" to "mild or moderate." We'll take it!

We are so grateful!

This means we will move on with another round of ICE to hopefully get rid of the small amount that is left.

If we can get a complete remission or "no evidence of disease" after the third round, then we can move forward with an autologous stem cell transplant and hopefully be DONE with cancer.

I cannot tell you how grateful I am. I want to shout from the rooftops!

I have felt for months that I was drowning. I have felt so out of control and like this disease was slowly taking over my body and stealing my future and there was nothing I could do about it.

I had begun to question whether God was willing to rescue me or not. Whether he wanted to save me.

I was in a pretty dark place.

God met me there and lifted me up. He gave me good news and showed me once again that I'm not alone and that He is bigger than all of this.

It is a miracle that this has worked as well as it has. God is so good to prove the doctors wrong! I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God took away that amount of disease, not the chemo. I know that it was your prayers that caused such a good report yesterday! If you share my story with anyone, be sure to give God the credit, not the chemo!

Now, we are not out of the woods yet. We have to get rid of the little bit that's left. But today I am praising the Lord and feeling so completely grateful that God would show me such grace.

To God be ALL the glory!

Now we move forward with new energy and strength and pray even harder for a COMPLETE remission! I know God can do it!

"I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will RESCUE you!" ~Isaiah 46:4

The Shadow of the Cross

One of my very favorite songs of all time is Kari Jobe's "What love is this."

The chorus goes like this:

"What love is this, that You gave Your life for me
And made a way for me to know You.
And I confess, You're always enough for me
You're all I need."

I just love this song, and God used it and this photograph to teach me a little something this week.

It was the week before Easter last year that I was first diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma. We have been fighting this awful disease for almost exactly a year now and I can't believe it.

Many people may look at my life and say that I have suffered greatly in the last year.
~I've endured 12 treatments of ABVD chemo, 2 rounds of Brentuximab, and 2 rounds of ICE chemo. ~I've lost my hair twice and gained close to 30 pounds.
~I've been told I would not be able to have children naturally.
~I've seen my chances of surviving and having a long-term remission decrease steadily with each disappointing scan.
~I've watched my family, friends, and husband suffer because of a disease that is completely out of my control.
~I've experienced fear, doubt, hurt, anger, and disappointment over and over again.

Yes, many would say I have suffered this year, and most days I would whole-heartedly agree.

But as I sit here tonight and think about Easter, my suffering seems so tiny compared to what my Jesus suffered.

"I look to You
I see the scars upon Your hands
And hold the truth
That when I can't You always can.
I'm standing here beneath the shadow of the cross, 
I'm overwhelmed that I keep finding open arm."

My Jesus suffered on the cross. He was pierced for MY transgressions. He took MY sin and bore it as His own. He paid MY debt.

His death on the cross was horrific, but Jesus experienced the greatest suffering of all when God turned his face from Him. He even shouted from the cross,

"My God, My God why have you forsaken me?"

Jesus felt what it was like to have God forsake Him, and that suffering, I will never experience.

No, I'll never know this kind of suffering... because of Jesus. He bore that for me, so I wouldn't have to. Things have been hard, but God is always with me.

I was recently looking at pictures from our trip to Whitestone right before I started ICE.  We were seeking the Lord so much and wanting answers so badly. We were scared and nervous about what was before us. When I saw this picture, I noticed soemthing new and these lines from the song immediately popped in my head.

"I'm standing here beneath the shadow of the cross, 
I'm overwhelmed that I keep finding open arm."

Do you see the shadow of the cross in the upper right hand corner?!The shadow of the cross, right there to remind me that I will never have to suffer like Jesus suffered! What a sweet reminder of God's love for me.

There have been times on this journey when I have felt like God had forgotten about me, but He has not!

So be thankful for the incredible gift that Jesus gave to us. He bore our sin and suffered so that we don't have to. We can spend eternity in heaven instead of being separated from God. All we have to do is accept the gift and live for Him! This, my friends, is the best news of all!

Happy Easter everyone!

Ice Ice Baby~ Day 1

I started my new chemo yesterday. The beloved ICE! It is a three-day treatment, so I go back today and tomorrow for more! I can't promise that I will post everyday, but I thought I'd at least give a mini-update.

I was at the doctor for a total of 7.5 hours yesterday. I had  doctor's appointment, bloodwork done, and then a whole lot of pre-meds and chemo!

One of the drugs in my new regimen is hard on your kidneys so I was given a total of two hours of just fluids. I have never been more hydrated/bloated in all my life! Thankfully, I still feel pretty mornal so far. I can tell my body is a bit weaker and I have a funny taste in my mouth, but no nausea yet. (They give you the good nausea stuff before treatment and it lasts a few days).

Today's treatment will be a bit shorter thankfully. I'm hoping to be there from 9:00 to about 12:30.

I want to take a moment to thank everyone for your prayers, support and gifts! I don's have enough time to share everything, but I wanted to make a short thankful list. (P.S. I wish I had more pictures!)

I'm thankful for...

~A church staff as fun and supportive and flexible as Northstar! From holding a prayer service, to providing us with time away, to putting on an 80's party for volunteers, to allowing us job flexibility during treatments, to everything else! I couldn't ask for more!

~Friends that drive from Johnson City to spend time with me and give me a goody basket!

~Friends that take me to lunch and to get my nails done!

~Sweet people that leave me presents on my doorstep!

~A company that is extremely understanding and supportive as I work from home!

~A life group that is as thoughtful, supportive, prays as much, and laughs as much as ours!

~A church family that showers me with love and gifts and prayers. 

~For my former coworkers who still think of me and pray for me even though I've been gone almost three years!

~For great neighbors and best friends who surprise me with porch makeovers!

~For great nurses and staff at Thompson Cancer Survival Center! Phillip, Mike, Amy, Dr. Ibach, Melissa and many more!

~For my amazing families who drive long distances to be with me and pray with me and have girls weekends and love me from near and far away!

~For my partner in crime, Sarah Coleman, who always makes me laugh and teaches me more about the Lord everyday.

~For the many, many people who lift me up in prayer each and every day! Some I know and some I don't! Thank you so much!

~And most of all to my amazing husband without whom I would have given up by now. David Vogel, you are my rock and I love you more than I can confess. God has doen such a beautiful work in our marraige and I know he will be faithful to us.

As I go into day 2, I ask one thing from anyone that would read this little blog. Please stand in agreement with me. Please believe with me that God will use this drug to kill my tumors once and for all. It is my fervant prayer that God would defeat this cancer and heal me in this life so that I may serve Him longer! No matter what happens, He is still is faithful.

Now is not a time for sadness, but a time for believing and rejoicing in the work God is doing! Please continue to stand with me in faith. Faith heals, and for a monster like this cancer, I need more faith than just my own!

Thank you in advance for your thoughts and prayers!

Change of Plans

A quick update for everyone....

I had noticed that the node in my neck was swollen after my first treatment of Brentuximab. I was alarmed, but told that maybe it was just inflammation from the medicine working. When it did not go down after the second treatment, we called my doctor in Nashville and he wanted to see us right away.

They did a PET scan on Monday and found that the tumors have actually grown by 30%. Bretuximab is obviously not working and we need to change our course of action.

Needless to say, this is not the news we were hoping for. In two weeks I will start ICE chemo. Hopefully we can get a response from this drug.

Pray for us as we trek onward. I just keep wondering when this thing is going to turn around! I hate so much that we have to keep delivering bad news.

It has never been more clear to me now that the only way I will have freedom from this disease in this life is if God chooses to miraculously heal me. Please pray for a miracle. I believe He is more than capable of it!

Thanks for your prayers.

New Chemo Round 2

So I had my second treatment of Brentuximab on Thursday. 

Everything went well. I saw my doctor and then went out to Oak Ridge for the infusion. I am feeling a bit tired and my body is sore. I'm really hoping this means that this medicine is FIGHTING THESE TUMORS!!! Please Lord let it be so!

I appreciate so much everyone's prayers and interest in what is going on.

The question I get the most often is, “How are you feeling?” Mostly people mean physically. This answer is always easy. The majority of the time, physically I feel good. Especially now with the new medicine that has no side effects.

For those that wonder how I am feeling emotionally? The answer is not so easy. I know that the only one who can save me from this mess is Jesus. I know that my faith in Him is what will heal me. I am striving everyday to trust Him, but it’s not exactly easy. There are so many unknowns and so many scary outcomes to all of this.

If I'm being completely honest, the last week has been pretty rough. There is a lot of pressure for this drug to work and I've found myself heavy and doubting. My thoughts run away with me when I think of what will happen if my tumors don't respond to this drug...

My usual response to the emotional feeling question is, “I have good days and bad days.” This however, is not completely accurate. If I were answering truthfully, I would say, “I have good moments and bad moments.”  I have moments where I forget I even have cancer, moments where I couldn’t be happier, moments where I feel God’s presence and I trust him completely.

Then I have bad moments. I have the moments of intense fear and doubt. I have the heavy moments where I wonder if I will survive this. Where I question God and His hand in my life. Moments where I wonder if this will be my last year of birthdays, or date nights or family gatherings, etc.

I have to strive every moment to find faith. I have to choose within every breath to trust God. Every moment is a battle and sometimes I win and sometimes I lose.

I have been learning a lot about Abraham and his faith through a weekly bible study I go to and the curriculum we are using for our preschoolers. Abraham was a man of great faith. He trusted that God would give him descendants as numerous as the seashore. He believed that God would give him the promised land. He definitely had his slip-ups, but he always came back to God's promises and God was always faithful.

Even though Abraham was tested and it seemed like everything was against Him, God fulfilled His promise.

"And so from one man, and he as good as dead, came descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as countless as the sand on the seashore." Hebrew 11: 12

I am praying that God would give me faith like Abraham's. I pray that even though I must venture out into unknown land, even though my dreams seem so far away and it appears that so much is being stolen from me, I want desperately to be faithful.


I choose to believe that God will restore back to me all that has been lost and that I may have descendants that make famous the name of Christ!

I believe that God will use my life for the kingdom and that I will be healed from this awful disease. I pray that even in my failures, even in my weakness, even in my moments of doubt, that my faith would remain intact, just like Abraham.

If I accomplish nothing else in this life, in this journey, I pray that God may look upon me and find me faithful.

New Chemo...Round 1!

Well...it's 12:14 AM and I can't sleep....so I'm blogging :-)

I had my first round of the new chemo a little over a week ago and everything went well!

It was surprising to me how different it was from my last set of chemo and yet how eerily the same it was....let me elaborate.

This new drug, Brentuximab, is a targeted drug or smart drug. It only attakcs the protein that is found in my tumors and elaves the rest of my body alone. Awesome! It only takes 30 minutes as opposed to the 2-3 hours that ABVD took, and it doesn't have any of the same side effects. No nausea, no hair loss, nothing. It was so easy, comparatively speaking!

The pre-meds that I got, however, were the same as before. The Benadryl made me incredibly sleepy, the anti-nausea meds mess with you, and don't even get me started on the steroids! They also give me a neulasta shot a day or two after the treatment to boost my white blood count and it makes my bones ache. This was by far the worst side effect from this treatment!

I didn't realize that I would have all of the pre-meds with this wonder-drug and wasn't exactly prepared. The most dissapointing part was the steroids. Man I hate them. I'm thankful for what they do in helping the chemo work the best that it can, but the weight gain, insatiable appetite, and sleeping trouble make me want to throw it out the window!

I am very glad to be in treatment, but it was emotional starting all over again. Walking back into an infusion center and getting hooked up again brought about a very bad version of deja-vu. I had so hoped to be done with my last treatment in September and never have to go through another chemo treatment ever again. However, the Lord has different plans for me and we must fight for another year. We are not finished yet.

I told David that if I could just have some sign or promise from the Lord that I would win this fight and survive this disease it would make things better. Could He just speak to me and let me know that I will have life beyond Hodgkins and that this treatment will work? If I could just have some guarantee that I will make it through this, I could endure just about anything.

He lovingly reminded me that if I had a guarantee, there would be no need for faith.
 
Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

Faith is trusting without knowing the end result.

So I continue to walk in faith, praying fervantly that God will heal my body and give me long life. I pray that my story can be used to share the gospel with people who don't know Christ and provide hope for those who need it.

I pray that one day I can look back on this time with my sweet husband and a house-full of kids and be thankful that God taught me so much about faith through this journey!

Thank you so much for your continued prayers and well-wishes! Round 1 done!

Happy Birthday to me!

Today is my 28th birthday. Where did I think I would be in my life at 28? You probably already know the answer to this question! It definitely wasn't facing my second round of treatments for Hodgkins Lymphoma, that's for sure! However, I really am grateful that I've made it to 28, and even though I don't know what this year holds for me, I do know that I have a lot to be thankful for and hopeful about.

We have successfully finished our fertility preservation process and will begin treatment in the next few days. This time around I am not really trusting in the drugs or the doctors at all. I am trusting in my maker. And the truth is, I feel more hopeful than ever!

I believe that God loves me and wants what's best for me. I believe that He has allowed me to walk down this path so that I can be stronger and grow closer to Him.

"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."     Romans 5: 3-5

This journey has not been easy...I have doubted...a lot.

There have definitely been times when I felt like I shouldn't hope. It's crazy, but I actually had times where I thought I shouldn't plan for the future because I didn't want to feel foolish if I didn't survive this thing. How silly!

The word clearly states that our sufferings bring us to a place of hope! Hope does not not put us to shame because it is from God! I have nothing to feel foolish about because my hope is in Christ.

Sufferings ----> Character ----> Hope----> No shame!!!

This year as I blow out another set of candles with cancer still in my body and no babies of my own yet, I am unashamedly hopeful about my future. I have a battle ahead, but I know that God will receive the victory and I will not be put to shame!

Another thing I'm hopeful about is this amazing cake that I'm going to enjoy with my family! Thank you to the amazingly talented Julie Raby with K-Town Cakes! Yum yum!