The Cancer Word

Cancer… Unfortunately, this word has ambushed the Vogel home in the last week.

For those of you that don’t know, I have been struggling some with my health for the past several months. There were quite a few strange symptoms that couldn’t be explained. I went to the doctor in early February and a chest x-ray showed that my heart was enlarged. After a visit to the cardiologist and much testing, it was determined that I had some fluid around my heart that was most likely the result of a virus and would go away.

This was not the case. At a follow-up appointment two weeks ago,  I was told I was on the upswing and would be getting better soon. On my way out the door, I pointed out a lump that had developed on my neck. I was told it was probably a swollen lymph node, nothing really to worry about, but we would get a sonogram to be sure.

A sonogram led to a CT scan where many other lymph node tumors were found and I was given the preliminary diagnosis of lymphoma….cancer…

Many tears and a needle biopsy later, and I had a firm diagnosis of Hodgkins Lymphoma.

Cancer…wow. I never in a million years would have guessed that at 27 years old, I would be facing cancer.

Meanwhile, David’s Grandfather went to the doctor for a stomach ache and found out he had stage IV stomach cancer and was in the hospital for 3 weeks. We had the blessing of traveling to Pittsburgh to spend time with him. He has now been moved to a Palliative Care facility… Cancer

I can’t begin to express to you all of the emotions that I have felt in the last week and a half. Needless to say, this word is a game changer.

With this word comes many emotions.

Anger

Hurt

Disappointment

Sadness

Desperation

Grief

Fear

Anxiety

Doubt

Confusion

I wish I could say that I have gracefully handled both of these diagnoses, but I haven’t. There have been tough days and there are many more to come I’m sure.

However, I choose to trade in the words above for both David’s Papa and myself. Right now I am choosing to reject the cancer word. I choose to reject everything that comes along with it and hold onto the truth.

This is what I know:

1.     God is good and he is still on the throne. He is still worthy to be praised.

2.     God is faithful and will ALWAYS keep his promises.

3.     God loves me and cares about my dreams and my desire to beat this thing and be a mother someday.

4.     This cancer word is not a punishment. I did not do anything to deserve this or cause this.

5.     God can take anything and use it for good.

6.     My God is bigger than science and doctors and has authority over all things.

I have become completely aware of the fact that my life is an instrument of God. I surrendered myself to him a long time ago. My body, my life, my plans, my dreams have all been laid before his throne. If cancer is the song I have to play in order to advance the kingdom, then so be it. If I can touch one life, draw one person closer to the Lord, cause any good in my family or friend’s lives then it is all worth it in the end.

Am I scared? Yes

Am I disappointed? Yes

Am I mad? Yes

Am I mad at God? No. Honestly No. Who am I to question the works of His hands?

Am I going to beat this? Yes

Lord willing, I will fight until this cancer word leaves my life. I will fight for my life and I will win.  I am stepping out on faith that God will heal me, and he never disappoints. He has authority over all things and I want nothing more than for Him to receive glory though my fight.

The cancer word will not defeat me. It will not define me. I am a child of God and my faith is in the Lord.

This blog will now document my journey and I will update as much as I can. I pray that God's Glory will be evident though my story.