I knew I would need to write this post sometime soon. The work God did in my heart this morning gave me the perfect opportunity.
This morning, Pastor Scott preached about dreams. He told the story of Joseph and talked about how God's dreams for us are often times different than our own. However different though, they are always better and bigger than we can even imagine. We need to choose to trade our dreams for God's dreams.
Let me tell you about my dream.
Ever since I can remember, the only thing I really wanted to be in life was a wife and a mother. I have always had an intense love for children and babies. I wanted my life to revolve around them. That is why I chose to become a teacher.
My single years post college felt like the longest of my life because all I did was dream about the day I could be a wife and a mother. I was so excited when I got married and couldn't wait to enter into motherhood. David and I will have been married for two years this coming July. This January, we had come to the conclusion that it was time to start a family.
My dreams were finally coming true! It was so close I could taste it! I am married to an amazing man of God, we own a beautiful home, we have an incredible circle of friends and church family, and we were going to start a family. My dreams were coming true. I could just see it all falling into place.
When we got the diagnosis I think I was honestly more upset about the crashing of my baby dreams than I was about the whole life-threatening illness thing.
Obviously cancer has thrown a pretty large wrench into our baby plans.
We don't know how long it will take to cure this thing, and after that, there will be a time of waiting to see if my fertility is affected by the chemo. Then you need to wait for a while to make sure that the cancer doesn't come back. Long story short, it could be years before we are able to conceive, if we are still able at all to conceive post-chemo.
The good news is that the drugs I will be taking, ABVD, have an extremely lower risk of causing infertility than other chemo drugs. The possibility is still there, but the chances are pretty favorable.
At times I get completely overwhelmed by emotion relating to the baby dream. Why now? Why this? My dreams were so close to coming true! It's completely unfair!
But then I am reminded of God's promises. I was reminded today that "God's ways are higher than my ways." God's dreams are far bigger than my own. Again I find myself in that place where I truly must surrender control to my creator, my savior, my healer, my Daddy.
My purpose in this life is not to be a mommy. My purpose is to glorify God. However He sees best to do that is up to Him, not me.
My prayer is still that being a Mom is part of God's dream for me. But if God follows the pattern we see in His word, it will be far greater than anything I can dream up on my own!
So I said to the Lord this morning:
"I'll trade it in. God I'm giving you my baby dreams. I'll exchange it for Your plan."
At this point I can honestly say that I'm all in. It's time to start playing out God's dream.