I knew I would need to write this post sometime soon. The work God did in my heart this morning gave me the perfect opportunity.
This morning, Pastor Scott preached about dreams. He told the story of Joseph and talked about how God's dreams for us are often times different than our own. However different though, they are always better and bigger than we can even imagine. We need to choose to trade our dreams for God's dreams.
Let me tell you about my dream.
Ever since I can remember, the only thing I really wanted to be in life was a wife and a mother. I have always had an intense love for children and babies. I wanted my life to revolve around them. That is why I chose to become a teacher.
My single years post college felt like the longest of my life because all I did was dream about the day I could be a wife and a mother. I was so excited when I got married and couldn't wait to enter into motherhood. David and I will have been married for two years this coming July. This January, we had come to the conclusion that it was time to start a family.
My dreams were finally coming true! It was so close I could taste it! I am married to an amazing man of God, we own a beautiful home, we have an incredible circle of friends and church family, and we were going to start a family. My dreams were coming true. I could just see it all falling into place.
Cancer....gamechanger
When we got the diagnosis I think I was honestly more upset about the crashing of my baby dreams than I was about the whole life-threatening illness thing.
Obviously cancer has thrown a pretty large wrench into our baby plans.
We don't know how long it will take to cure this thing, and after that, there will be a time of waiting to see if my fertility is affected by the chemo. Then you need to wait for a while to make sure that the cancer doesn't come back. Long story short, it could be years before we are able to conceive, if we are still able at all to conceive post-chemo.
The good news is that the drugs I will be taking, ABVD, have an extremely lower risk of causing infertility than other chemo drugs. The possibility is still there, but the chances are pretty favorable.
At times I get completely overwhelmed by emotion relating to the baby dream. Why now? Why this? My dreams were so close to coming true! It's completely unfair!
But then I am reminded of God's promises. I was reminded today that "God's ways are higher than my ways." God's dreams are far bigger than my own. Again I find myself in that place where I truly must surrender control to my creator, my savior, my healer, my Daddy.
My purpose in this life is not to be a mommy. My purpose is to glorify God. However He sees best to do that is up to Him, not me.
My prayer is still that being a Mom is part of God's dream for me. But if God follows the pattern we see in His word, it will be far greater than anything I can dream up on my own!
So I said to the Lord this morning:
"I'll trade it in. God I'm giving you my baby dreams. I'll exchange it for Your plan."
At this point I can honestly say that I'm all in. It's time to start playing out God's dream.
Leslie - You're an inspiration! It's a great moment when the desires of your heart come from the desires of HIS heart! Continuing to pray for you!
ReplyDeleteWOW! No words to describe this post! I can relate somewhat to those feelings when we found out about Jesse's cancer. We were also ready to start a family around the time we got his diagnosis. Humanly it feels like someone ripped out a page of your life plan and ripped it to shreds. But like you so beautifully reminded us, that is only one side of the story. In the unseen realm, God is writing a much BIGGER and BETTER plan for our lives. I am not walking on your road, but I can tell you that cancer was not the end of our dream for children! And there were countless days when I allowed the enemy to convince me of that. All of this is under His feet! He is in control of the outcomes! God alone is the giver of life! Keep feeding your heart and mind the truth of God's Word and know that He sees you, right where you are and His ways are perfect. Logical to human reason? No. But utterly trustworthy and completely good. Yes! His loving kindness will surround you till you see the good being worked out! And it will be eternally good! You will see it! We love you guys so much! What an encouragement your faith is to me and so many others.
ReplyDeletePraying for you sweet Leslie!
Dear Leslie,
ReplyDeleteYou are a bold and courageous woman of God and I am so excited that you have decided to share your journey with all of us, we need to hear it-not to watch you on your journey but, to have courage in ours as well.
We know that God knit us for His sole purpose and it will be completed to His glory. I am praying for focus, joy and peace for you and David.
Have a glorious day in the Lord today.
Dear Leslie,
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me but I know you. I am David's babysitter from when he and Kerith were infants till they were living at The Heights. I have been reading your Blog and have been praying for you daily. I knew when David married you he was getting a very special young lady but as I read your Blogs now I'm seeing just how Blessed David is to have you in his life. I know things are hard right now with loosing Pappa and you becoming ill. But so many are sanding with you. I am standing in the gap for you Leslie. This latest Blog touched my heart so much, you see I have no children of my own even though I wanted them so badly and no husband either. Those were not what God had in-store for me. As you said all I want is to Glorify Him. And you are doing just that. I send my love and prayers to you and David. My thoughts are with you as you go through your procedures this week and start chemo. May God grant you peace and wrap you in his loving arms.
(Aunt) Gerri Koklich
Leslie, I just found out about this new direction your life has taken from Facebook news feed. It's been awhile since freshman year of college but I remember your joy, your smile and your heart! I will be praying for you and your husband as you go through this. Stephanie (Terranova) Flowers
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ReplyDeleteAmen! So often we take scriptures like Psalm 37:4 and use them to meet our expectations. What fun is that? These words are inspired by a Creator who knows us (Psalm 139) and loves us more than we can ever imagine. It is not about us getting the limited "desires" we believe we need it is about discovering (in our delight of Him) what we truly desire in this life. God reveals to us the true desires of our hearts when we choose to lay helplessly in His arms and find our delight there. (Loving kiddos too, I imagine an infant passed out in their parent's arms.) I truly believe that is the contentment Paul speaks of too (Phil. 4:11-13).
ReplyDeleteI love you girlie and admire all the Truths you are choosing right now. God will get the glory in your life because of what you are choosing each day. We never rarely have control over our circumstances but always over our perspectives.
Leslie even in college, your desire to be a mom and wife was evident. Even then you were a woman I admired w/ a heart to glorify God with whatever your hands touched. Whether you were lounging with girls in the dorm or leading worship through beautiful songs, your heart for Christ showed through your words and actions. He has put you in such a place where truly "in Him" you will only be able to boast on the day you grow your family and live cancer free.
- Praying for you all over FL:)
Praying for your protection; physically, spiritually, emotionally. Trusting God with my fertility is one of the hardest steps to take. Don't know if you know it, but the full version of the serenity prayer is one of the best tools in battling doubt and fear.
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