"Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." ~Luke 12:7
The hairs on my head are indeed numbered, as all the days those hairs will still be on my head.
That's right everyone, my hair is indeed falling out.
While I knew this very thing was going to happen, I've still struggled with it. This round has been a great one as far as how I feel. I have had a little nausea, but not too bad. I was tired the first few days, but really I feel great now. The only problem is...my hair is falling out.
When we had our consultation with the doctor, one of the first side effects he mentioned was hair loss. He was very matter of fact and said, "your hair is going to fall out. It will grow back, but it most definitely will fall out."
My immediate response was, "it's ok, I don't care about that." And I really thought that was the truth. However, I was wrong. I do indeed care about it.
There is part of me that feels completely guilty for being so upset about it. I accuse myself daily of being vain. It literally causes me anxiety every time I touch my hair. More and more comes out and it's insane!
However, when I really examine my feelings, I think my anxiety is rooted in 2 things.
1) Control. My hair is falling out and I will look different than normal for a very long time and there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I can do about it. I have lost control of my appearance.
2) Beauty. I like my hair, I always have. I have always thought that my hair is what makes me look beautiful. The first compliment my husband ever gave me was on my hair and how much he liked it. Curly blond hair is my thing! Losing my hair makes me feel ugly.
I am coping with #2 by recognizing that it is OK to care about your appearance. It is OK that I will miss my hair. It is OK that I will get a wig and fancy scarves to make myself feel better. I know that true beauty comes from within, but when you look good, you feel good and I will try my best to look good even without my curly blond hair. Plus I must remember that losing my hair means that the chemo is doing its job and it is what I must go through to LIVE!
As for #1, I have to remember that even though I am not in control, someone way better is. If cancer has taught me one thing, it's that I am not in control of my circumstances. God knows what He's doing and the truth is, my need for control can hinder me from fully knowing my Father.
Pray for me as I learn how to find comfort in the fact that God really is in control.
In the next few days I'm sure we'll have to shave my head. I'll take pictures so you can see! Who knows, bald may be my best look!